IFS in Relationships: Tracking Protective Sequences

When people in a close relationship have a tendency to get stuck in a repeated argument or difficult pattern, generally it is a result of interplay between their respective Exiles and Protectors. Toni Herbine-Blank’s Intimacy from the Inside Out® model describes the sequence whereby the parts trigger each other, and the below diagram simplifies it. Having the two people fill in the blanks in the diagram and understand the pattern provides two benefits. First, they can see that they have become the victim of the systemic endless loop rather than blaming themselves for the problem. Second, the solution becomes apparent — interrupt one or more of the arrows. The downward green arrows are unlikely to be blocked, as our Exiles will probably always be triggered by the actions of our partner’s Protectors. But we can learn to interrupt the upward red arrows, by healing the Exiles so that the Protectors no longer are compelled to jump in and express to our partner. When we can sit with the painful feelings of the Exile, we regain Self-leadership, because the Protector’s preferred response is now optional. In addition to holding space for our own Exiles, it is a powerful move to speak for them to our partner.